Yeah. So here it is. I haven’t been around these parts in quite some a while. I’m here today by request though. A long time ago someone asked me to do something. They asked me to blog on this particular day for a reason. The reason is basically to show what changes in a year’s time. It doesn’t seem like a whole year has passed, but here I stand today to tell you all about it. A year ago today it all happened. My entire life was turned upside down and changed forever. It all started at 1:29am. You may find it odd that I remember the time. I’m just good with that kind of stuff. You know the life altering stuff. It also happens to be the time of day I was born. Just another way it will be etched into my memory for all of time.
Here’s a precursor and history lesson of what I have to say about the now versus then. It started with a chat on AIM. 10 minutes later it continued with a panicked phone call and 8 minutes later it was final. A wave of sickness like I had never before experienced engulfed me.
Later that day this blog took on new form in which it became much more personal to me. It was no longer a space to fill with mindless rants and postings. It became a place to lay out the inner workings of my soul as electrons on a global landscape. Although I haven’t been here in a while, the purpose of this blog remains the same and will be that way until reasons deem fit to change it. For a time, I saw this blog as the only outlet I had, that is, until I stepped out into the light and took a leap of faith. It was a leap that someone would listen to me with understanding and would not judge me. I needed answers and the ability to understand what was going on. I needed to grasp reality because everything was too unreal in my mind.
Up until those days going back a year ago, I had never talked to people in such a way before. I was just spilling the beans about every aspect of my life. I was trying to lay out the most complete picture I could to get others to help me with the problems I was struggling within myself. I was brutally honest and refused to sugar coat anything. I struggled a long time in search of answers and finding very few.
The hardest part for me was opening up to people. I’m very shy by nature until I get to know you. Even then, no matter how good a friend you are, I don’t talk about the inner workings of my personal life. The only person who shares my thoughts and emotions is me, with the exception of one other person at the time. By feeling backed into a corner and being completely overwhelmed with emotions I had no other course of action but to let the floodgates open. Up to that point, only one other person in my life other than my parents had been witness to me shedding a tear for any reason. I’m pretty sure that up until that point I had ever cried that much in my entire life.
It was difficult for a while to even tell people what had happened at all. I was still in disbelief. It was written all over me that something was seriously wrong. I might has well have been holding a giant blinking neon sign that said “Help Me! Something is wrong!”. I remember telling virtually every single person and their reactions. I remember the line of intense questioning that was sure to follow. The only problem was that even I didn’t have the answers to the questions.
I remember when one person in particular found out. It was a co worker that I hadn’t known all that long. We had talked on occasion and she knew that I had a girlfriend. We go to talking about relationships or something one day and she later told me she realized how happy I seemed and basically saw what I had as a dream come true or something to that effect. When I told her what had happened, she seriously thought I was joking and told me to stop. I told her it was true with straightest face I’ve ever made. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She literally clutched her heart and tears just started streaming down. She had only heard of my girlfriend and had never even met her. She only knew what I had told her. She was just there crying and hugged me. It felt like that same kind of reaction you get when you find out someone close to you died or something.
That all happened the day she was returning from her trip. I and my co worker ended up sitting outside for a few hours just talking. Even though she had never met this person, she was so upset that someone had done this to me that she actually offered to beat the ever living crap out of her. She was very serious in her convictions too. I had to discourage her from actually doing it. I was really surprised by the whole thing.
Everyone I talked to literally just sat there and stared at me in utter disbelief like I was making this shit up and it was some prank or something. I got sounds of silence on the other ends of phone conversations. There were some seriously creepy vibes. I don’t know who it was harder to tell, my friends or my family. When telling my family I could hardly get the words out. Tears just streamed down my eyes and my throat felt like it had closed up.
While there was little advice to be offered at the immediate time, I was rather baffled that people were willing to just sit there and just listen to me ramble on the phone forever occasionally just checking to make sure they were still there as I was met silence and was allowed to continue talking uninterrupted.
With the decisions I was left with I was unsure where to go and how to go about it. I was ever so fortunate to be offered places to stay while I sorted out my life. There were people that literally had no room for me, yet they offered me a place to stay even if it was on the couch. Some of these people I didn’t even feel I knew all that well. I was overwhelmed by the sheer kindness of these people. I had at least 5 choices in West Palm Beach alone. More than one offer was for me to stay as long as I needed.
As it is known now, I made my choice and some very good people allowed me to stay with them for quite a while. They had only two conditions of me staying and I just looked at them and thought they were joking. I accepted the terms and moved in mid July. One of the terms agreed too is in part the reason you are reading this now. I couldn’t have asked for better people to stay with at the time.
Those people became a part of my life and I had the chance to go visit them and stay with them last weekend once again. It was also a chance to visit with all of my other friends to catch up. When seeing people after being away for a long amount of time, there simply is never enough time to catch up. You just make the best of it. I’ll be back down there again in a few months I’m sure.
The people close to me know the highlights of the story from that point on. It resides in this little corner of the internet and reads like a novel. I basically poured my heart out on here for all to see and judge. There was very little I left out. The stuff I did leave out was sometimes a bit too personal. It was generally shared in person with others. Some things were not said on here to keep the status quo. Anything else that was not said at the time was because I did not want to convey a certain level of what I considered weakness and open myself to the consequences there of. Those days are behind me now. They are in the past, but never forgotten. Some scars we wear on our sleeve and others are much deeper inside.
While I was visiting my friends down in South Florida, I was somewhat surprised by some of the reactions. Everyone noticed some sort of change. All for the better I was told. They asked questions, I answered them. They asked about my job and how much money I made and all of that. I was met with looks of disbelief for a moment. They asked about how my life was in general and me living where I am now. I can’t recall anyone asking if I was moving back down there. I don’t think they even figured I would with what I have now. I always have excuses to come back down there, not that I need one to go and hang out with my friends.
Joey is always the most inquisitive of all. He always catches me off guard with the questions he asks. He’ll start out with normal questions, then ask in depth follow up questions and then hit you with some *almost* off the wall hypothetical situation. He’s notorious for this I’ve noticed, but he always asks the most inquisitive questions. You always have to think about your answers and word them accordingly.
I think he was the most shocked of everyone over the transformation of my life. I find that funny since I lived with him & his wife for a while and he saw me basically every day. He reminded me the whole time I was down there of all the things that changed always finding something new to add. He was always like, “could you have pictured how/where you are now from a year ago?” or “If I were to tell you about the way you are now a year ago, would you believe me?” It just kind of stood out there for me; all the little things that changed in my life to bring me where I am right this minute.
So, I sit here now, as part of a promise to Joey and upon the request of a few others to tell about what all has changed in my life over a year’s time since the event that changed me forever one year ago today. If you would have told me 90% of this stuff a year ago I would have thought you were full of shit. As for one thing that has changed in a year, I will TELL you that I think you’re full of shit and smile while doing it. Yeah, that’s one of the many things that changed for the better I suppose. I don’t hold back much in telling people how I feel or telling them how it is. You’re going to get my actual opinion and not what you want to hear. I’m not here to spare you. I call bullshit on people to their face. I put up with a whole lot less shit from others now. I had an attitude adjustment that says I’m not going to take your crap and here’s what you can do with it. I find it’s pretty entertaining at times. I basically found I had a spine and I can take it out and beat you over the head with it when necessary. I’ll be first out the door to call you on stupidity and tell you in a nicest way possible that you are a fucking idiot. I have a way with words sometimes. I learned people generally don’t mess with you much when this occurs. I don’t know if it’s respect or fear though. I think it’s a bit of both.
All of the sudden over the past year I have money. I forgot what that was like. I may not have ever learned in the first place what it was like to have this level of disposable income. One month after I moved out my income seemed to blossom. I was able to start paying debt off at an incredible pace. In two months time I was able to eradicate almost 1500$ in debt from around my neck. A lot of the more frivolous bills disappeared as well as a lot of unneeded shit that my money was always getting spent on. Back then it always seemed that no matter how much I made each month I was going into more debt and had less to show for it. A few months later I start to have this pile of money. It was rare for me to have less than 200$ cash in my pocket just to blow on whatever. I also had money in the bank like I had never seen before. I consistently saw my main account swell to levels such I had never seen.
This inevitably led to me buying my first (new) car. Over a year ago, I would have told you I wouldn’t get a new car until sometime between 2011 and 2015 as the joke went. Few people knew that I was actually pretty serious in my belief that I would be able to get a new car by then. 10 months ago I changed my timeline to sometime in mid to late 2006. I figured holy crap; I’ll be able to get a new car next year. As we all know now, that timeline changed considerably to early September 2005. I figured even then I would get a base line model with almost no bells and whistles. Well, I ended up getting the almost top end of the line in what I was looking for. I got virtually all the bells and whistles. I broke down and ended up with the “Special Edition” with the pimping cool stereo that people still give me props for to this day. I keep having to tell them its stock (with the Special Edition that is, haha).
I figured since I splurged on the car and got what *I* wanted that there would be no reason to do anything to it and that I was happy. Oooops, wrong again. Since then, I have gotten a personalized plate which causes looks and laughter amongst friends. I had to put in the pimpingly bling bling blind your ass headlights per Drew’s recommendation as well as my favorite rear view mirror decoration. A good friend even got me a dash board Stewie for good measure. I thought I was done after that. Apparently I wasn’t. Just last week I had BG take it to the shop to be tinted. Do we get standard tint here? Hell no. Only the best premium Oakley ‘I can see my reflection in it’ not so legal tint. Do I pay full price for this? Yeah, I don’t think so. It seems I’m never done. A very good friend has the THE hookup when it comes to car audio equipment. Soon I’ll have a top of the line Kicker Solo-Baric sub in there with none other than a Kicker amp in a Kicker box. I figure you’ll feel the vibration down the street if I’m so inclined. I always get compliments on my ‘stock’ stereo sound. Now it’s just going to kick ass.
When I moved from WPB, I only moved with what I could fit in my car; the bare necessities and none of the other crap. I also had more money that I ever had in my life. This lead to what some may call a sabbatical and what I refer to as a never ending vacation. Before I moved up here, I told everyone that I was going to take a damned vacation come hell or high water at least every 2 months. Well, to date there has not been a single month that I have not had a vacation or left town to have some fun since I left WPB. May that never change because I doubt it will. It helps when you have control of your own schedule for the most part. Isn’t my life rough? Hahah.
So far since moving up here I’ve been to Jacksonville twice, Pensacola twice, St. Augustine, Ormond Beach, Daytona Beach, West Palm Beach, Apalachicola, St. Marks, and everywhere in between. Next week I’ll be in Jacksonville for my little brother’s birthday. I missed the last bunch and I promised him this year I was coming and bringing good presents (which I got the other day). There is a planned trip to visit some friends and hang out in Panama City soon. I haven’t decided where I want to go in July yet. I’m thinking of visiting friends in central Florida. August is my birthday and I’m looking forward to going to Vegas. I think September is Pennsylvania for some reason or another and later in the year is Virginia to visit more friends. I have to squeeze in at least one more trip to south Florida too. Yeah, I’m a vacationing fool this year. A few people said I deserve it or something like that. Others just think I’m nuts.
I think some shopping gene was activated almost a year ago. I’ve bought more clothes in the past 10 months or so than probably in the past 3 years. Everywhere I go I must buy clothes. Even when I was down south last week I ended up buying two pairs of shoes. I would have bought two more pairs but they didn’t have them in my size. Don’t fret, I’m ordering them online. I’ve never had so many pairs of shoes in my entire life. I need to check my estrogen levels. I think my inner woman is trying to break out.
It’s not just the shoes though. I’ve changed some my appearance and most of my clothing. I used to wear the work uniform at least five days a week. When I wasn’t wearing that I had other clothes in the rotation that mostly consisted of t-shirts and a pair of tennis shoes. It was my laid back and chill wear. I still have stuff like that but don’t wear it often. I think I turned into a casual prep. I almost always have some type of khakis and a button up or polo shirt. I’m ready to go the club at a moments notice. There’s something that changed. You practically had to drag me to a club or other social event. Now if you so much as mention it, I’m either getting ready or putting it on a calendar. There is always a change of clothes (or three) in my car and even a few pairs of shoes. This should probably be disturbing but people accept it for what it is.
Speaking of calendars; that’s just funny in and of it self. I was once one of the most unorganized forgetful people I knew of. I currently have at minimum 3 online calendars and 2 physical (small) calendars. I’m working on a way to become even more organized and condense that down some. Something that is equally scary is the fact there are things on my schedules that go all the way through the year. I actually plan some things now. When Lisa asked me if I was going to her graduation I immediately checked the calendar and put her in over a month in advance. In the past she would have had to remind me a few times the week of because I would have already forgotten. My schedule can fill up rather quickly especially if it’s within one to two weeks ahead. My god, I have a schedule. What has the world come to?
So far I’ve mentioned the new car, clothes, schedules, shopping, vacations, attitude adjustments, a little money, and socials. What’s next?
My whole life is a miracle in motion of transition. I never seem to be contempt with the way things are nowadays. I change up the facial fuzz on a regular basis. One week I may have a full beard, next week will be cleaned up a bit, I may trim it all down really short then grow the goatee back out. I get my hair cut every three weeks now. I get it dyed almost as often. I’m thinking next week will be platinum blonde tips & highlights and I’ll shorten it up a bit more.
Holy crap I can dress myself. I got a bunch of compliments just today on that. How I’m always dressing nice or looking snazzy. I think I finally learned how to match clothes or something. Hell, my polo matched my pants which matched my shoes which matched my belt. Jesus, even I’m scared of myself. It’s not like I bought this all to match like an outfit or something like that. I just go buy stuff at random.
Just as disturbing is the amount of laundry I do now. It’s nothing for just me to have at least two loads a week. My clothes even hang up. You may have to sit down for this. I’m serious. Put your beverage down as I don’t want any soda or coffee or whatever to end up on your screen or keyboard. …. …. …. I actually iron some of my clothes. Yes, it’s true; I taught myself how to iron. They let me play with all kinds of stuff around here and somehow trust me not to set the building on fire.
With all of this stuff going on, I spend less time on the computer. Some of you may have noticed this by my lack of being actively online. Yeah, you may catch me on from time to time in the evening now and again or I may pop on while I’m at work, but I no longer liver 6-8 hours a day just chilling and wasting away in a vegatative. When I am online I’m usually doing work related stuff. I don’t even watch much TV. Thank god for Tivo. It generally gets full or close to it by the time that I get around to watching it. We usually sit down around here in the late evenings and watch a show.
I also haven’t played poker since I left West Palm. That includes live and online games. Part of it is having the time to play and it just isn’t the same as the games with my friends down there. I even stopped playing lotto all the time. I might play once every few months if I remember it.
All the poker and gambling in general and hanging out with my WPB people did lead to something rather neat. They definitely made their mark on me in their own way. I picked up a nickname that will literally be with me forever. People have heard me go on about the mythical horseshoe and the surrounding stories. Now I have the horseshoe tattooed on my back. In that way I’ll always have a little bit of luck that has my back.
I got to shoot a pistol for the first time after moving up here. That led to many trips to the local gun range. I got the chance to try out many different kinds of firearms. BG told me it was one of the greatest ways to relieve stress. I don’t have much stress in life, but it sure is fun. I’ve been out to the range with a number of friends on numerous occasions. I don’t ever want to think about how much money I’ve literally blown away out there. It was worth every penny though. I also met some really cool people down there on occasion who gave me pointers and let me try other stuff. You meet some really interesting people down there sometimes.
I used to loath cleaning. It used to be to the point that the only time I cleaned was every few months when the piles were high and you could fill five garbage bags. Yeah, I was pretty damned lazy and if it wasn’t pissing me off, it wasn’t getting moved. If you saw me now and how it is you would probably faint. My room stays pretty clean. You’ll find some clothes on the floor from time to time due to my busy schedule and when laundry is due. I’ll never forget when I cleaned the bathroom not too long after I moved here. April was like DAMN son. It didn’t look that nice when the unit was moved into. She uses my bathroom all the time when she’s over here now. We generally clean around here about once a week when we have the time. It usually just ends up being all the crap we bought or brought home that gets piled up. We may have a few dishes from time to time. We leave the ice trays for Matt when he comes over. That started out as a joke and has turned out to be the truth. Matt is in charge of filling the ice trays when he stops by.
At one point when BG and I were getting ready to clean after all the initial move in he seemed to lose all motivation. Something odd happened at that moment. I broke out inner motivational speaker fu on his ass. He thought I was on drugs for a short moment and then he actually started listening to me. I used some of the most bullshit marketing terms in existence and they actually worked. I started breaking out highly intelligent sounding phrases that seemed to make sense. I couldn’t even keep a straight face as I was spewing this crap. It went something like, “We’re on the cusp of a new paradigm for a cleaner and healthier living environment.” I carried on like I was selling some crazy Amway crap. That day we spent around 5 hours cleaning and organizing the entire place and when we were done this place was spotless, organized, and pimped out.
Another rather big change occurred when moving here. My sleep cycle got a kick to the head. The days of staying up until 4am or later in the morning and getting up at noon are at an end. I get up between 6:30 and 7:00 am now. That’s not just because of my work schedule either. I just needed to change that aspect of my life to something a bit more uniformly normal.
This of course leads into what I consider the biggest and best change of them all. Every little change led to this point and they all made a difference in my life therefore making me a better person in my eyes. What I consider to be the biggest change is my job. Never in my life had I woken up and actually wanted to go to work. It’s not about the money either. Don’t get me wrong, I love the money. It’s more than that though. I get to not only do something that I good at, but something that I truly have a passion for and enjoy. I get to learn new things all the time and that’s something I’ve never had in any other work related experience. Yeah, in any job you’ll learn something, but my job is always evolving and growing into something new.
I started teaching a class. I vowed long ago that I would never do such a thing. I always felt that I didn’t have the patience to sit down and teach a bunch of people something that they couldn’t easily grasp. It bothered me to think that I would have to take something rather complicated and intricate and break it down so a 10 year old could understand it. I’ve just never had the patience to deal with it. Well, as part of my job I was offered to teach a class and since the money involved was off the wall ridiculous I thought that I would give it a shot. I was really surprised at how much fun I have doing it.
I think it helped that I got to basically have full control over setting up the class the way I wanted it. I got to pick out the things to focus on and the tools to use. It was like I got to build it from the ground up. It was my creation. I really enjoy teaching that class and I like to keep it interesting with what I call the “Holy Shit” effect. This is where I bust out some stuff that shows off how easy it is to do certain things. The looks on people’s faces are priceless. I think at one point, one guy got up and stepped out to call his boss to check on something. He was rather upset. It was great.
I get to use real life stories on stuff that I do even if they have to be slightly altered to protect the innocent. I just get to go up there, talk about what I do and how I go about it and show off. I’m not necessarily there to teach them how to do what I do, but more so the concept of how it’s done and how to defend against it.
My job entails many other really cool things and I won’t bore you with all the details here. I absolutely enjoy going to work and don’t mind staying late. In part I’m paid to learn new stuff and do research and work on my own pet projects. I don’t think I could ask for much more. I even get to take time off whenever I want most of the time. As long as it doesn’t interfere with classes or any appointments I’m free.
I even get to take other classes for free or close to it. It’s like getting paid to learn. I look forward to taking some Cisco classes and get some certifications in that arena later on.
I’ve joked for many years saying that I was going to retire around age 30. While I may be able to, I am pretty sure that I won’t want to. Everything is way too much fun. It would be nice to able to if I so chose it though.
A thought occurred to me the other day. It was something that randomly would come to mind every few years and then the other day it just made so much sense. I sat there a moment contemplating it for a while with astonishment. I have to go into some back story to help it be understood how it unraveled in my head. The thought basically goes a little like this…
When you were a kid, was there ever a time that you thought of what you wanted to be when you grew up? Parents and teachers would always ask this. Most people chose the obvious stuff like astronauts, firemen, doctors, and so forth. I remember the exact moment that I figured out what I wanted to be. I finally realized that it has been with me subconsciously all along poking me in the back of the brain.
I remember when I was 7 years old. I was playing in my back yard with a friend. I lived on watching TV when I was a kid so finding me playing outside was like “wow” sometimes. It just hit me though. I wanted to be an electronic engineer when I grew up. I was always fascinated with science fiction like Back to the Future and Star Trek and so forth. The technology seemed so cool and I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to create some of that.
My dad ended up telling me that if I wanted to pursue that type of thing that I had to do really good in math and science. Science was no problem for me, but math was a different beast. I had issues rationalizing learning a bunch of math that I couldn’t find use for in the real world. That basically ruled out anything after Algebra 1.
After high school I did want to pursue higher education. My parents told me you either need to go to college or get a job or both. Well, I was lazy then, but I wanted to do both and I did for a while. I originally was accepted to ITT Technical Institute. It cost a vast fortune to attend and I was truly moved by the fact that my parents were more than willing to find a way to pay the outrageous price. Upon taking a tour of the campus I found out that it just wasn’t for me and I didn’t want to waste so much of my parents’ hard earned money.
Instead I enrolled in community college in pursuit of some sort of degree in information systems. I had to take so many bullshit classes that had nothing to do with my major that I eventually stopped going. I had a little help to dissuade me from going too. Ah, to be young and unaware. I ended up having a part time job while going to school so I was only in college part time. This meant that at the rate I could take classes that it would be anywhere from 4 to 6 years just to get an AA. This was unacceptable to me. I looked elsewhere and almost ended up at FTC. I ended up moving here to Tallahassee on the fly and gave up on higher education for almost 4 years.
To focus back on the point I was making, I wanted to be an electrical engineer when I was a kid. I wanted to play circuit boards and create things and such. My revelation the other day put two and two together. I actually got be what I wanted when I grew up. Granted, I’m not an electrical engineer in the sense most people think. I do get to play with computers all the time. I play with hardware (circuit boards) and get to create things (computer systems and clusters) and I always wanted to create things. I create and modify software to do all sorts of stuff. In the not so distant future I will acquire 1 or 2 certificates that officially make me an engineer. Microsoft Systems Engineer and Cisco Systems Engineer. It seems that those dreams you have as a child can come true. As I like to say, “Dream the life and then live the dream.”
I’ve learned a lot of things over the past year. I’ve learned about myself and I’ve learned about others. I found out what true friendship is. Even though I thought I knew, I never really *knew*. My friends and my family have always been there for me and they came through in way I never thought possible. I simply would not be the person I am today if it wasn’t for them. I’ve moved three times in the past year and they were always there for me. They helped me find my confidence and strength and motivation. They helped me find myself and gave me encouragement. In part they are the reason you are even reading this. They put a roof over my head and food in my belly. They helped me up when I was down. They listened to ramble on for hours on end and gave me advice, comfort and piece of mind.
This blog was the first of many steps in a long and ongoing journey. Most people only look to the destination in the fruits of their labor. To me, that’s not what matters the most. It’s not about how successful and powerful you may become. It’s definitely not about how much money you make. Yeah, it helps, but that’s not it. It’s all about the journey you take, the line you walk. It’s about how you go about leading your life and what you make of it.
Well, now you’ve wasted god knows how long reading about how my life has changed over the past year. You got a story and some of the great highlights of the past year. Now I have to take some time and go back to the roots of what started this all. This blog helped me get through a lot in its own way. It allowed me to share myself with my friends in a way I would have not considered. It’s time once again lay it all out there.
While I never once mentioned her name on here, it was always apparent who I was referring to. Anyone who knows me at all knew who I was talking about. As a year has now passed it’s time to move along continue the journey of life. There are a few things I have to get off my chest and I know of no better place to let it out.
I care not what others think about me for what I’m about to say. It’s just the way it is and I can’t change what’s in my heart no more than you can make it rain. You can say what you wish without recourse.
So, Jennifer, this is for you.
Not a single day has gone by over the past year that I haven’t thought about you even if it was for an instant. I was told by many, even my own folks that there comes a point in which I would hate you with all that I am. For all that I tried I could never bring myself to hate you. Not even for an instant. Hate is very strong and while I’m sure I have the capacity for it, it has never surfaced. For everyone whom has asked about the story of our relationship I was always open an honest. I always gave your side of view and did not skew it to portray you as some sort of evil bitch. You could ask anybody. I was always fair (even nice) towards what I said about you/us when talking to people and placed much of the blame on myself.
It completely crushed me when you decided you no longer wanted be with me. I was lost and without words, without direction. You really broke my heart. It still hurts sometimes even now. I had wished my life would just end. I never once contemplated ending my own life or drinking myself into oblivion though. That seemed like such a cop out.
We basically grew up together. I’ll always remember all the good times and memories we shared all the way up to the end. I learned so much from being with you all those years. I shared more with you about my thoughts and feelings than any other person alive.
I never told you this and it’s after the fact now of course. A few days after you came back to town we were talking. You were sorting through some stuff on the dining room table. I was trying to wrap my mind around the whole situation and asking you why. You said something to me. It didn’t even register in my mind for almost 3 days. I realized that it was hands down the meanest and most hurtful thing anyone had ever had said to me. It really pissed me off too. You said, “I don’t see that you’re responsible enough to be able to care for our children.” To me, that was just fucking cruel. This was almost a month before we started trading words with each other with the intent to upset one another one night. In all seriousness, you could have told me to drop dead and it wouldn’t have effected me in the same way as the statement that you made.
I thought about that for a long time. It bothered me that anyone could make such a statement about my ability and willingness to take care of my own flesh and blood. I’m not here to ask for some apology or anything. If that’s how you feel that so be it. I just wanted you to know how I felt about it.
After all this time, I’ve always tried to be nice to you and help you when you asked. I never wished ill will upon you. I hope you find what it is that I wasn’t able to give you and wish you the best of luck. After all that’s happened, you’ll always be my first true love. I’ll never be able to just forget about you and write you off as a vague memory.
I just wanted you to know some of that and get it off my chest.
Ok, I got that off my chest. For everyone else, you can probably pick your jaw up off the floor or something.
BG has a way with words, especially when he’s around me. He has his own unique perspective on the situation and a funny way of putting things. He simply puts it as, “Wes, you got traded for a condo.” Initially, I thought (and said), “You Asshole”. That’s how he always puts it though. He says that just simply sums it all up. It’s become a big ongoing joke around here. He just goes around and introduces me and then tells people I got traded for a condo. We all just have a big laugh over it. A few times a week a joke is cracked about someone getting traded for something.
I used to see BG as a pretty simple person, uncomplicated. We get spend a lot of time together obviously. On occasion we sit around chilling and talking for hours on end. I learned a lot of stuff about him where I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I shared parts of my life and he returned in kind. We make great roommates. We get along great, share similar interests. We’re always looking for some way to get into some kind of trouble. When we have off the wall ideas, we act on them. We sit around and chill; we go places and sometimes just stay home and drink and watch movies. We go shooting as well as shopping. We even build stuff when we get bored. God help us when you give us power tools and some scrap wood to play with. We made a pimp ass coffee table. Next we’ll be building another DVD shelf. He’s better than the neighborhood blockbuster with more titles to choose from.
In wrapping this up I just wanted to throw out a few completely random things. I started doing this post yesterday. I got tired and had to go to bed about half way through it. I had a lot of stuff running through my mind at the time that I didn’t want to leave out so I started just making a bunch of bullet points so I wouldn’t forget when I picked this back up. I ended up having 2 pages of bullet points to finish this up.
My posts are free flowing thought and unedited. I don’t just do a random paragraph here and there and then go back and piece it all together. I rarely go back and read any of it when I’m writing it or when I’m finished.
I always appreciate comments whether they are positive or negative. Some people email me their comments even. I have changed the site where all comments have to be approved by me. This was due to comment spambot issues and was a pain to clean up. So if you are inclined to leave a comment, I will see it and approve it to be posted. I have to do this manually so don’t think that your comment wasn’t posted. I’d just like to know if you enjoyed reading and how much time you wasted doing so. Hehe.
A friend showed me something weird about a year ago about my blog. In keeping with what they started, here are the statistics for this post according to Microsoft Word.
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12 pages
7462 words
30271 characters (no spaces)
38139 characters (with spaces)
78 paragraphs
538 lines
I figured she’d have one look at me and be like, “oh, I just remembered I left the gas on, gotta run!” We traded digits and parted ways after a bit and I figured at best another friend. I get this text message the next day that made me fall out of my chair laughing. I thought this was some kind of joke. Quoting it, “I like you alot | you are hot | my jaw dropped when I seen you”
Only some shade of green and a pink. She offered to do my blonde tips pink at the very tip. I was like no thanks, maybe next time.